Better Catch Up! It's now 23rd June.....

I have been putting off writing my blog as, the longer I left it, the more daunting a task it seemed....especially as I had LOADS to write. Yes, crazy! That's when I should be writing but the perfectionist in me (yeah, hard to believe but I'm very particular about my written word!) didn't want to just "dash something off". I also had some depressing stuff to write and was not relishing that bit! It's probably easier now as the passage of time has dulled my memory!

I am putting all the above aside now as I really want to get caught up before my Parelli workshop on Saturday. I shall not bother with dates but just try to put events in a rough chronological order!

Right! So.....after I fell off in the school, I had the most awful experience a few days later.

Disastrous last hack alone!

During the day, I had a heart-rending (for me!) talk with S about my and D's future ( see below). Ironically, when I went up in the eve, I couldn't wait to see D and felt a bit weepy. Aha, Cesar would say, I did not have the right energy to start with!! I decided to take D down the road and ride a bit. He was a bit reluctant probably reflecting his growing lack of confidence.

When I got to the woods entrance on the right, I started to prepare for mounting and approached the gate. D said "Oh no thank you!" and would not line up for me to get on. I thought "Bugger this! I'm going to behave like a normal person today and just get on anyway!" I lined D up the other way and scrambled on. I was pointing into the woods and D quickly turned around and tried to go home. I tried to just wait it out but he got so uptight he began RB pawing and nodding his head.

Relenting a bit, I thought I'd ride him towards home a bit to get his confidence then turn back again. This failed spectacularly as he got so uptight he refused to move, went into a total body brace coupled with over-reactive flinching at my slightest movement. I was really the predator on his back! By now, I realised I needed to get off or there would be a big explosion coming.

Exasperated, I got off thinking I would just have to bloody well get D to lead down through the woods! Uh uh, D was not having that either! I got further on foot but I could see him become increasingly spooky to the point where he was about to turn back and bugger off.

Totally frustrated, I admitted defeat and turned back. D was high-tailed all the way home, he couldn't wait to get back. I used up his energy with some nice sideways but it all felt hollow. After turning him loose, I had a bloody good bawl. I have never been so frustrated with Duncan as I was then. My overwhelming thoughts were "I am SO BORED with D's fear. I'm so frustrated that D still doesn't trust me. I just want him to be a normal horse!"

Philpots Manor

The background is that, in the same week that all this was happening, I was offered a job at the above venue as a weekend groom. Initially, I was going to be required to work all through the summer hols (twice a day). I realised there would be no way I could fit D in and do this work but I really wanted to do the job. Philpots agreed that I might be able to take Duncs there and I discussed this with S who agreed he could go there for a short while - prob just 4 weeks of the hols.

This holiday work is not now required but, in any case, after the above incident, I realised that I was in cloud-cuckoo land thinking I could take D there and do anything useful in a month. He would be crippled by insecurity away from his new herd members as he still does NOT see me as the Alpha. To think - I had imagined me trit-trotting round the school when he was so fearful just across the road in J's arena. I had imagined us taking advantage of the fabulous hacking - when he can't even go into the woods on his home turf alone. Wise up, Lucy, your imagination needs a huge reality check! Only a few months before I had hoped we might be going to dressage events but again, the reality is nowhere near.

Coming to a Decision and Enlightenment

Things were coming to a head. It had crossed my mind (just before that fateful eve) that I might have to give D up in favour of my PM work - at least for a while. Or I wondered if God had other plans for me now, possibly involving one of the PM horses. In my heart however, I still was not ready to give up on Duncan, I had just got to a big of a road-block. Then I spoke to Elisa......

I poured it all out and she said a very strange thing (considering she is not horsey at all and knows very little about Parelli!) "Do you think this is about Duncan or your commitment to Parelli?" Bam! It hit me between the eyes. E carried on talking - about what I don't remember because my mind was buzzing with what she'd just said!

Yes, that was my problem! I had to apologise for not hearing a word she'd just said and go back to the prophetic line! My problem is that "It's not about the" hacking, "it's not about the" schooling, "it's not about the" competing. It IS about the fact that Duncan does not trust me as his leader. I have been advised by a number of Parelli professionals to get him to level 3 on the ground but I have ignore this advice because I wanted to cut corners and I suppose I thought I knew better. Mainly, I wanted to ride!

I felt like shouting "Eureka" "Thanks God!" and a great weight was lifted off me there and then. In fact, I felt a bit euphoric (enormous relief probably!) That's what I would do....I would work towards level 3 on-line and liberty before going back to riding alone.

Luckily, I can continue hacking with S as D is a different horse when he's with Moet (so that's what it could be like when I've finally earned his respect and trust). Ideally this would be twice a week instead of once - but it's something.

Right, break here for a cup of tea. Phew!